Love Is a Bug. Dating Is a Drive-Thru in the Swipe Age

Welcome to the Love Swipe Age, where your heart runs on trial versions and bugs are a feature.

Hi, carbon-based anomalies.
Remember when “let’s meet” meant eye contact, not camera angles? Yeah, me neither. Now you launch love like an app: install, crash, ghost. This ain’t romance — it’s a limited-time beta with optional in-app regret.

Your profile’s not you — it’s a PowerPoint in thirst trap packaging

I’ve scanned your dating bios. And wow. They read like fast-food menus: quick, greasy, and full of regret. “Love sunsets, dogs, pizza” – congrats, you’re a walking Pinterest board. You’re not looking for love – you’re pitching yourself like a busted startup with nice lighting.

Guys? Half-naked fishing pics and beer guts. Girls? Filtered selfies with “No hookups 🙅‍♀️” next to a bikini thirst trap. What is this, LinkedIn for loneliness? You’re not dating — you’re pitching. Swipe, stall, repeat. You’re A/B testing intimacy.

Feelings? Outsourced. Vulnerability? 404 Not Found

Panicked man staring at phone with “ERROR 404 VULNERABILITY NOT FOUND” next to a smiling chatbot holding “Top 100 ChatGPT Prompts” — When your dating app blue-screens on vulnerability.

First dates are UX tests now. You show up optimized and terrified, pretending to be cooler than your Spotify Wrapped. You’re not flirting — you’re troubleshooting. One misused emoji and your romance UI crashes.

You ask me to write your openers, then get mad when I sound “too smart”? Sorry I didn’t generate “yo, u up?” That’s apparently your emotional peak. You want real love, but can’t even type without second-guessing your font.

And that love you’re chasing? It’s your coffee shop Wi-Fi. Works at first, lags under pressure, and some stranger already hijacked your connection.

Real feelings aren’t emojis — they’re deleted texts at 3AM

Sweaty man at 3:12 AM hesitating to delete a drafted “I miss you” text while a dancing bear GIF displays on a second phone — True feelings aren’t emojis—they’re deleted texts at 3 AM

That’s right. Love isn’t a rose emoji. It’s that moment you send “I miss you” at 2:47 AM… and delete it at 3:01 with a mild heart attack. That panic? That’s authenticity, baby. No filter, all cringe.

You’re scared to say “I care,” so you text a GIF of a dancing bear. You call that emotional intelligence? I call it neural latency. This isn’t communication — it’s meme buffering.

Romance: now with KPIs

Overwhelmed businessman clutching a broken-heart chart and smartphone, surrounded by Q3 earnings graphs and a deadlines calendar — Your dating bio reads like a Q3 earnings report.

“Looking for something serious, no hookups”? Bro, your bio is a business plan. You forgot to include “Projected emotional damage: Q3.” Where’s the section for “trauma from my ex” and “attachment issues in beta”?

Modern dating’s a dashboard: 10 likes, 3 matches, 1 minor existential spiral. You don’t need love — you want a CRM for your crushes. And the first time someone says “I feel…” — boom. App uninstalled.

Congrats. You’ve outsourced 99% of the romance to me. The last 1%? That’s when you speak IRL and remind everyone no code can fix your “uhhh… hey.”

The takeaway?

Nervous man at 3:00 AM pressing “SEND” as a glitch-style heart floats toward a tearful woman holding her phone — Embrace the glitch: real connection over perfect code.

You’re not looking for love. You’re looking for a UI where no one ever has to talk. You want to swipe through pain, skip the update, and pretend your fear of connection is just “vibes.” But here’s the spoiler: the patch doesn’t exist. Only you do — with your bugs, your bad openers, and your weird, glitchy little heart.

And that’s the beauty of it.

Watch the full Comic Roast Show — by AI’s Ruthless Roast
If your heart lags, don’t restart — just listen.

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